Relationships 101: After The Honeymoon Phase

Ah, the honeymoon phase. The only time when everything feels truly right with the world - or so we think. Almost every single relationship will go through the honeymoon period, with a wave of incredible highs that you simply want to bask in for forever. But, of course it always comes to an end, mostly because that amount of dopamine and serotonin is not sustainable long term. Everything has to simmer down eventually, and when it does, it's not always pretty.

Dr. Elizabeth Earnshaw of the astoundingly informative and enlightening Instagram page 'Lizlistens' breaks down the period that follows the honeymoon phase, and how to navigate through it.

'The Power Struggle' phase is the one wherein which we begin to see our partners for who they are, when the filters of romance have worn off and their true character begins to show. It is during this phase that we all either choose to work through this with our partner and learn to accept them as they are, or opt for one of the following behavioural patterns:

1. The Fear/Shame Pattern

2. The Pursuer/Distanced Pattern

3. The Demand/Withdrawal Pattern

Now, I'm sure nearly all of us have been guilty for following one of the above listed patterns. After the highs of the honeymoon phase, it's a little difficult to be rational when it all comes crashing down. It's expected that you'll be upset, disappointed, maybe even annoyed by the facade your partner put on. So much so that you may even consider breaking up with them. They lied about who they were. I don't want to stay with a liar! No, thanks, I'm out.

Sound familiar?

If so, then you may simply be addicted to the chase and the pursuit of someone 'perfect' - right up until they're not so perfect anymore. This can come in the form of back to back relationships, countless crushes and an uncontrollable wandering eye. If this sounds like you, then unfortunately you have your work cut out for you in the relationship department.

Soon after the power struggle phase, the relationship will begin to stabilise - or in other words, become 'stagnant'. This phase of the relationship can present a calmness, an understanding, peace and may even ignite the spark back in the relationship. Or, in some cases unfortunately, you may become bored, unfamiliar with the stability and maturity of an evolved, healthy relationship and crave the excitement of your past.

This is most commonly when your old ways will creep back up with feelings of boredom, and an insatiable desire to seek out new excitement through fights, other options, new crushes, or worse, a full blown affair. This is not healthy nor does it help you come any closer to a healthy love.

If you've done the work and you find that you really miss the excitement and/or chaos of your past, you owe it to your partner to be honest about what you want from a relationship. You can then decide the best course of action that works for both of you, without violating anyone's boundaries.

Honest, clear and open communication is what will help most relationships grow tenfold, or at the very least help you both come to amicable terms, but a majority of people struggle to be honest. Being honest and speaking your truth at all times is the only thing that is always in your power. You owe it to yourself to always speak your truth.

Some fear being honest, worrying about the reaction of their spouse or consequences that may follow. However, this should be an afterthought as you are always your first priority. You may not be able to control what your partner does, says or how the behave (bonus tip: do not try to control your partner in any sense. Ever.), but speaking your truth will ensure that you have done your part in the relationship and communicated your thoughts and feelings. What they choose to do after is entirely up to them.

At this stage, this is when you can begin to either work through your differences and come together as a team, or resist growing together and only end up growing apart.

Relationships are not easy at all, but it would do you the world of good to truly understand what it is that you seek in a partner, and if you're actually ready to love for the long haul - or only when it's suitable. Many chase the idea of love and stability, whilst knowing deep down they are not actually ready for that level of commitment.

Personally, I've been in limbo.

Coming out of a volatile relationship, only to end up finding someone incredible by chance, yet knowing I'm simply not ready to commit.

All I know is chaos.

I know myself enough to know how toxic I can get.

That's why I'm choosing to take this time out for myself and to finally evolve, because I promise you, my next relationship will be my last.

I'm not walking into the next one hoping for the best - I'm going into it at my best. This time things will be different, because I'm finally ready to do the work. Are you?

#relationships