Saying Goodbye To Toxic Relationships

We've all been there before.

A toxic flame that is slowly dying out, but for some reason you keep holding on. Maybe it'll get better. Maybe they'll change. Maybe I'm not doing my part. Maybe we need space. Maybe we need more quality time together. So many reasons and yet - nothing changes. It only seems to get worse and worse, with the emotional outbursts only growing in frustration and disappointment each time. 

Enough, already.

Deep down, you know when a relationship has ran its course well before the official break up. But, that doesn't mean it's any less painful when it does happen. Break ups are hard. You're saying goodbye to somebody that was a big part of your life for a long time.

You'll be devastated, angry, hurt, resentful and, at times, still very much in denial. What if we just try again, maybe this time it will be different. It won't. That really is the end of it. It really is time to move on now.

If you're struggling to let go, there are a few things that you can do that can make things a little easier. They may not work for everyone, but they've helped me heal much faster than I anticipated I would. 

HOW TO FINALLY LET GO OF YOUR TOXIC EX

1. Cut ALL Contact

If you take anything from this article, I hope it will be this. You cannot move on in peace if you are still talking to your ex. Trying to be friends so soon will not work.

I was foolish enough to try giving it a go, but every time I spoke to my ex, all these horrible feelings would creep up and I would feel the anger and resentment bubbling up till one day I said a few things I really shouldn't have. Instant regret. I just ended up hurting us both. Trust me, it is not worth it. Cut all contact if you're serious about moving on for good. 

2. Feel Your Emotions

Now, the relationship could have ended for so many reasons. It could have been one particular argument, maybe something they said or did, maybe somebody cheated. Regardless of how it ended, I'm sure it came with its own bag of emotions that you will need to process, whether you choose to do it now or later - but you will be forced to process it eventually.

This is your permission to cry it out, be angry or devastatingly heartbroken. Try to let these feelings out because the only way it will get easier is if you really give yourself permission to be honest with how you feel and actually feel it.

3. Be Honest with Yourself

A lot of people seem to skip this step, but it's one of the best things you can do to help yourself heal, and eventually find a healthy, happy and more stable relationship. I challenge you to reflect on the relationship and consider how your part played a role in how toxic things were. What input and/or influence did you have in the relationship?

More often than not, a toxic relationship can be predominantly one person, but it takes two toxic people to keep it going for so long. It's never as simple as it just being one person. This requires a level of self awareness that many people are afraid to consider; well, we all like to believe we're perfect, don't we. But, if you've found yourself in such a toxic partnership, there is probably work that needs to be done on your part to save yourself from making the same mistake with someone else in future.

Be honest with yourself and try to figure out what it is that you were seeking in this person, and what kept you holding on for so long. Relationships are seldom about the other person, but rather about the relationship we have with ourselves first.

What is your relationship with yourself like? Are you happy and secure in yourself? Are you looking for a partner or someone to take care of you because you don't know how to take care of yourself? If it's the latter, I don't need to be the one to tell you that no relationship will ever work if you go into it expecting the other person to 'fix' you. Nobody can 'fix' you, no matter how promising things seem in the beginning. You are you own responsibility. 

4.Turn to Your Friends

Friends really are the family you get to choose. 

Very often in toxic relationships, you become so attached to your partner that you neglect your friendships in a very big way, and the only person you ever seem to talk to is your partner. This is not healthy.

Whilst you're processing the break up, use your now free time to reconnect with your friends. Go out, get coffee, see movies, sit out in the park, go for a trip - do whatever it is that you used to do with your friends before your relationship took over everything. Friends will help you get through anything and everything, you simply have to let them in. 

5. Get Creative

This one is my favourite.

Maybe because I've always been somewhat creative, but there really  is nothing like a brand new chapter full of promise that can get my creativity going.

Immediately after the break up, I threw myself into writing, writing anything from journal entries to poetry to articles. I wrote and wrote and wrote, then simply cried looking back at everything I'd written. All these emotions out on paper. Not only was I immensely proud of everything I'd written as I could see my writing improving, but I'd felt so free and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Creativity is a form of release. Use it. 

Whether you like to write, draw or create, use this opportunity to get as creative as possible. You never know, you may just come up with your best piece yet.

6. Work On You

Since I've left my ex, I feel like my life has done a whole 180° turn. Everything has changed, and for the better. I've started my own business, found a new job, worked on my hobbies, found new hobbies, educated myself, went to seminars and workshops, introduced new healthy habits, started yoga (seriously, try it), started meditating again, reconnected with old friends, made new friends, and now I'm on track to get my licence, get my first car and start therapy soon! Yay! 💕. But, that's just the beginning. I am so excited for what's ahead, and the best part is, I can truly dedicate all of my time and attention to myself, without worrying about anybody else. 

Before jumping into a new relationship, I'd urge you to give yourself time to recreate yourself. To find yourself. It may sound so cliche, but it really is true.

After a long relationship, you lose your sense of self ever so slowly till one day you really don't know who you are outside of the relationship. Worse yet, you may think you suddenly now need a partner to be happy and jump straight into a new one hoping it will be different, and maybe this new person will give you what you've been looking for or help you become who you need to be. Nobody else can do the work you need to do to actually evolve, and finally find the fulfilment you're looking for; it's a personal task.

Use this free time as a break to rediscover yourself. Work on your hobbies. Go travelling. Move somewhere new and exciting. Change careers. Start a business. Get serious about your health. There are so many things that you can do for yourself that will bring you happiness outside of relationships, you just need to give them a chance.

6. Be Patient 

Lastly, be patient with yourself.

It may take some people weeks to move on, it may take others months or even years. The point is there is no right time frame to suddenly expect to be over a break up. Everybody is completely different.

No matter how long it takes you to be okay, accept that it is part of the process and further down the line, you will feel stronger for having gone through it. 

Breaks ups can be tough, but we've all  been there before, and I can promise you that although it may not seem like it now,  it will be okay someday. 

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